she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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