The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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