my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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