yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
