He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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