i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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