Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
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You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
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he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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