Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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