No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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