so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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