no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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