Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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