i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
