the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
