He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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