i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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