you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
