literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
