I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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