At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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