Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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