Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
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I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
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He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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