The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
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i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
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So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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