A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
