I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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