I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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