im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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