one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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