I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
