Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
