he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
