don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
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