Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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