so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
