He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
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My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize