Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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