guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
