I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
