its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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