Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
pop tarts are not kleenex
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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