I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Randomize
