the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
as a side note pls kill me
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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