Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
