Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
