Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
