I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
