Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
We need a shit load of segways right now
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
