oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize
