I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.