I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
