shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
