Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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