very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
