Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
