She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
