yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
they need to just BURY HIM!
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
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He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
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Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.