Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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